Journal #6: after reading Chapter Six

"Oh, if one could only cry! Oh, if one could only affront the wind as we once used to, on equal terms, and not as we do here, like cringing dogs.

We are outside and everyone picks up his lever. Renyk drops his head between his shoulders, pulls his beret over his ears and lifts his face up to the low grey sky where the inexorable snow swirls around: 'Si j'avey une chien, je ne le chasse pas dehors.'"

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Chapter six describes the everyday labour work in Auschwitz. Just reading the various sufferings that Primo Levi had to go through emphasizes how lucky we are to be living in a world where everything would be a luxury, compared to the situations of concentration camps in WWII. Just yesterday, while I was busy doing my biology homework at three o'clock in the morning, I remember complaining about how my back ached, how tired I was, and how much I wanted to go to sleep. I wonder how these people felt while they were doing their work. They probably wanted to stretch their backs, get some food and a sip of water, and rest. Perhaps maybe they were so tired that thoughts of "I'd rather die than continue doing this," ran through their heads. But, camp life does not allow any of that. The Nazis had managed to reduce the Jews as small as possible, so that they could do nothing without permission; permission to rest, permission to eat, permission to stop, permission to when to go to bed, etc. In a way, they were dogs, and the SS soldiers had become their masters.

Why bother to think? Why bother to complain? Why bother to do anything except what they tell us to do? What's the point? Complaining and whining never helped anyone. It just earned more slaps. It won't help. Nothing will anymore... We are doomed to do this until we die. Death... We cannot even choose when to die. It might be tomorrow, a few weeks later, or maybe a year. They choose. We have no choices. We are left in this hopeless camp, and no one will help. No one will care. No one will know...

If I was a Jew, I would have thought like that.

Journal #5: after reading Chapter Five

"A desolating grief is now born in me, like certain barely remembered pains of one's early infancy. It is pain in its pure state, not tempered by a sense of reality and by the intrusion of extraneous circumstances, a pain like that which makes children cry; and it is better for me to swim once again up to the surface, but this time I deliberately open my eyes to have a guarantee in front of me of being effectively awake."

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In the book, Primo Levi describes the night; the sleeps that were uncomfortable, and the terrible nightmares of the blissful outside world. For me, I understand the fears of the night. Although it is quite shameful of me to admit it, I still fear the darkness. Being alone in the dark allows my mind to walk around endlessly, bringing back memories of all the scary movies I had watched in my lifetime (which isn't that many!). However, there are times when I am in the mood to stay up at night, with all the lights off. This is when I want to allow my mind to wander off. In a way, I think I have the ability to conquer night. When my mind begins to wander when I don't want to, I just shut it off and try to force myself to go to sleep. Eventually, I end up falling asleep and I no longer have to fear for unpleasant memories. When I'm in the mood to think deeply, I can allow the night to carry my thoughts on, until I am ready to shut them again. Unfortunately, while in Auschwitz, Primo Levi could not control the night. Auschwitz had made everyone exhausted and devastated that no one had the strength to conquer the darkness, and use the darkness to their advantage. When I think of what I would have felt like if I was left alone every night, and I couldn't control the straying of my thoughts, I think I would have gone crazy. Although thinking is good, some thoughts in my head brought horror, and to imagine facing that horror every night............ It would have been unbearable for me.

Journal #4: after reading Chapter Four

"But life in Ka-Be is not this. It is not the crucial moments of the selections, it is not the grotesque episodes of the diarrhoea and lice controls, it is not even the illnesses.

Ka-Be is the Lager without its physical discomforts. So that, whoever still has some seeds of conscience, feels his conscience re-awaken; and in the long empty days, one speaks of other things than hunger and work and one begins to consider what they have made us become, and how much they have taken away from us, what this life is."

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Ever since I was young, I wanted to become a doctor. It seemed like a perfect profession for me. I had always been fascinated by the sciences, and I was always more than welcome to help someone out. Also, it seemed 'cool' to be the person who saves lives of other people. That was my idea of what a doctor was, and to me, that was how a doctor should behave; always smiling and being the person who gives hope to sick people. However, in Auschwitz, my idea of a doctor was apparently starkly different from what the doctors at the Ka-Be were like. As Levi describes, doctors there were just as corrupt as the Jews stealing in order to survive. Once a Jew was admitted into the Ka-Be, all his possessions that he had brought along with him were taken away for the doctors to use. The doctors took these and used it for their benefit. When I was reading this, it made me angry at how the doctors misused their positions. They were supposed to be symbols of hope and love to their patients, yet they were abusing their high rank for their benefit. It made me feel betrayed and ashamed that I wanted to have the same jobs as these people. I continuously reminded myself not to become like them, no matter how much power I gain from my position.

Journal #3: after reading Chapter Three

"Survival in Auschwitz

Nach dem Abort, vor dem Essen,

Hande waschen, nicht vergessen.

(After the latrine, before eathing, wash your hands, do not forget.)"
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This is one of the writings scribbled on the wall in the washroom of Auschwitz. I thought it was pretty amusing how it said that in order to survive in Auschwitz, you need to wash your hands, because in reality, there is much more to surviving in Auschwitz than just washing your hands. Also, in the book, Primo Levi mentions many times that he thought that washing didn't really help to keep himself hygienic, because not only was the water limited but dirty from the beginning also. This shows how primitive the condition that the Jews were living in were. They were deprived of everyday items, such as soap and water, and had to fight for these. In our world, we would be considered dirty if we didn't wash our hair at most every two days, but just only approximately fifty years ago, there were millions of people stealing and cheating each other for a small piece of soap to wash their hands or faces. I do not blame Primo Levi for being pessimistic about washing, and arguing that he should not wash , because it will not make him better, nor make him live longer. This is the kind of attitude Auschwitz places on people; it makes them lose hope and motivation in everything, it turns them into vegetables, breathing but not really living.

Journal #2: after reading Chapter Two

"This is hell. Today, in our times, hell must be like this. A huge, empty room: we are tired, standing on our feet, with a tap which drips wyhile we cannot drink the water, and we wait for something which will certainly be terrible, and nothing happens and nothing continues to happen. What can one think about? One cannot think any more, it is like being already dead. Someone sits down on the ground. The time passes drop by drop."
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Chapter two of Survival in Auschwitz was about Primo Levi's first impressions of the Auschwitz concentration camp, and the few months after that. While I read this, I tried to put myself in their situation and I tried to imagine what it would be like if one day, everything that I had, and everything that I loved was taken away from me. To be honest, I think I would have blamed God. I think I would lose faith in Him, angered that he allowed this terrible tragedy to happen. I would have been convinced to think that there was in fact no God, and I had believed in a fake figure all my life. I would just be angry at everything around me.

What stil amazes me everytime I hear about the Holocaust is how the Nazis could be so cruel to another human being. Although the Jews were of a different race, it still didn't change the fact that Jews were equivalent human beings. Did the Nazi soldiers not feel guilty at night? How could they live on, knowing that they had teared up families and taken millions of lives? How could they stand to look at themselves in the mirror and see their own reflections?

It really scared me at how cruel and evil human nature could be.

Journal #1: after reading Chapter One

"Sooner or later in life everyone discovers that perfect happiness is unrealizable, but there are few who pause to consider the antithesis: that perfect unhappiness is equally unattainable."

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This quote touched me the most in Chapter One was because this was from a man who had suffered for years at Auschwitz. There are many who think miserably that perfect happiness cannot come true, but there are few who consider the opposite, like the quote says. When I'm in a difficult situation, I think pessimistically and think that God is cruel for allowing such bad things happen to me, but, compared to what Primo Levi had to go through in Auschwitz, my troubles are nothing. This quote gives me hope that no matter what my troubles are, they are temporary and cannot lead me to a miserable, no-happy life. I should be thankful for everything I have around me, and I should never give up, because although I might not be able to get perfectly happy, at least I won't be completely unhappy.

Journal #0: after watching the documentary

Even before reading Survival in Auschwitz and watching the documentary, I had heard about the atrocities done towards the Jews by the Nazis. I had heard how the Jews were forced to be sent to concentration camps, and how they were forced to work in harsh conditions. I had heard of how women and children were fooled into taking "showers" upon their arrival to these camps, but were in fact going to their deaths as they painfully inhaled poisonous gases that made all their organs bleed. I thought I knew pretty much all that there was to know about concentration camps...

A few weeks ago, I happened to watch the Count of Monte Cristo on TV. Although I had watched the movie many times, to me, it was one of those movies that never got boring. The story is about a man who was wrongly framed for committing treason by his best friend. In his thirteen years of being sent to prison, he meets a priest who gives him a map to hidden treasure in the island of Monte Cristo. With the help of the priest, the man escapes prison and finds the treasure. When he returns to his hometown, with his treasure, he decides to plan revenge toward everyone who destroyed his life. In the end, he is able to regain more than what he lost. As I watched this, I once again thought about how God always knows the truth, and that he will bring justice.

However, when I watched the video, I was deeply angered, if that's the right word to use, about how only 10% of the SS guards were ever prosecuted for their actions. During the Holocaust, they had committed more sins than the "friend" in the Count of Monte Cristo, yet, not even half of them were punished. I kept thinking to myself, "How could God let this happen? I thought he was supposed to be fair..." I didn't blame the group of men who decided to take matters into their own hands and chase after SS guards themselves. I didn't blame the Jews for losing faith in God in Auschwitz. How could a God be so cruel and allow this to happen? In some ways, I found myself agreeing with them...